This morning, like every morning, I took my dog out for his regular jaunt around the marina. I always bring along a couple of doggie bags (not the kind you get your restaurant leftovers in, mind you). And depending on the day, I may use anywhere from zero to three of these bags to clean up after him.

Weighing in at around 65 lbs, my dog is not your typically Southern California purse dog. Sometimes I’ve got a real mess on my hands.

And it was one of those days that made me think of a movie I recently saw called Envy. The story follows two childhood friends, Tim and Nick (played by Ben Stiller and Jack Black). Jack Black’s character comes up with the idea to create Vapoorizer, a spray that makes dog poop vanish into thin air.

So naturally, I wanted to get myself some Vapoorizer.

I immediately went to my computer to do a little research. I wanted to find out if something similar to Vapoorizer exists and if some genius had patented it and was making millions like our fictitious friend Jack had.

Here’s what I found in the evolution of poo pickup patents.

In October 1999, Bonita Re Gilley was issued a patent for …it’s a glove ... it’s a poop bag ... it’s a Method and Apparatus for Removing Animal Extract Excrement. According to the patent, that long name equates to an expandable, symmetrical, sleeved collecting glove.

After collecting “the mass”, as the poo is referred to, the glove is converted into an inside-out bag that you can toss into the garbage.

Ok, it’s a start, but I that sort of reminds me of the bags I currently use, minus the fingers. So I moved on and found The Pet Waste Pickup and Disposal System.

On December 2008, Robert Montusi of Kings Park, New York was granted a patent for his Pet Waste Pickup and Disposal System. The tool is designed to keep humans from coming into contact with the poo while picking it up or throwing it away.

The contraption reminds me of the love child of a pair of scissors and a pair of long-handled tongs with a bag attached. The tongs come together and scoop the poo into the bag, saving us users from having to touch it.

While I enjoy the idea of not having to come into contact with dog poo, or even having to bend over to do it, I’ll admit, I was still hoping for something a bit more Hollywood-esque.

And that’s when I saw it. Among the list of patent titles that included words like tetracyclicazaindoles and indolines, there it was. Like a bolt of light on a dark night, The Doggie Poop Freeze Wand! (Look out Harry Potter).

Mary S. Brock of Los Angeles, California came up with this magical-sounding invention and was issued a patent for her design in April of 2005.

The invention uses a hollow tube made of PVC pipe and a cylinder filled with a compressed freezing agent. According to the patent specs, the process is as simple as pointing and shooting the device at said poo. And voila, the waste is broken down.

I was about to pull out my wallet and find the online dog wand store when a thought struck.

Don’t you still have to pick it up the remaining broken down leftovers?

I’m sad to report that I was unable to determine the answer to this question or find a website for the product. What I did find was a story Mary wrote for Inventors Digest about a similar product that came onto the market and prevented her from manufacturing her doggie wand. The competitors name was not included in the story so I was back at square one in my research when I stumbled across Doggie Doo Dissolver.

According to the product website, it is a patented CRS enzyme reduction system created by an organic chemist and a soil scientist.

All you have to, according to the company, is use the spray bottle and saturate the poo and it disappears. If it sounds like something from a movie plot, I guess it is. But just in case you order and you don’t get the happy ending you were expecting, the company promises a full money-back guarantee.

Happy spritzing.